Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M

I ignore it, trying to let it not affect me because I crave her. I follow her around like a damn

lost puppy, begging for any scraps of affection she’ll give me. Even if it’s bitterness, I take

it because

it’s the only way to be near her.

I never thought of what she went through at my hands. What she is dishing out is nothing

compared to what I did to her. Yet it still fucking hurts. How the hell did she survive me for

those

nine fucking years?

She wants nothing to do with me. Wants me to be completely out of her life for good. I

want to give

her that because she deserves better, but I can’t let her go no matter how I fucking try.

“How did that happen? The last time I checked

asks me, looking puzzled.

were sure you were in love with Emma.” Gabe

“Yes, but weren’t you the one that insisted that I had suppressed feelings for Ava?”

I remember how adamant he was about that. He wouldn’t let it go, even after I told him

countless

times that I wasn’t in love with Ava. I guess he just knows me better than I know myself.

He saw

something I didn’t want to recognize.

“My gut was telling me you loved Ava, but your insistence at times made me doubt that

maybe I

was wrong.”

I sigh. “You were fucking right. My only wish is that I had relegalized this sooner. Maybe

then it

would have been easier to mend what I broke”

+15 BONUS

I stare off into space. Lost in the bitter memories. Memories where I had her, but instead

of

cherishing her I ruined her. I broke her. My actions and words chipped at her heart slowly

by

slowly until there was nothing left.

I honestly don’t wish to be in your shoes” Gabe whistles and I glare at him. “But you still

haven’t

answered me. I want to know when it happened. When did you fall for her?” (2

“I don’t know. I can’t pinpoint the exact time. Maybe it happened when we were still

married, or

maybe it’s a recent thing. All I know is that I love her now.”

I run my hand through my hair. I was frustrated and fucking scared. What a lousy time to

realize

you love someone!

“I think it was always there. Probably came after Noah was born. I also think you didn’t

allow

yourself to love her because you held on to the memory of Emma. She was your first love,

so you

assumed she was your true love. You can’t live with someone for nine years and not feel a

thing

for them. I know you, Ro. You wouldn’t even have touched her if you didn’t feel something

for her.”

“Sex is a biological process. I just got what I needed from her while still hating her. I am

ashamed

to say there were times I imagined she was Emma.” I tell him, feeling sick to the core at

how I

treated her. 1

1

“Really? Did you imagine you were fucking Emma because you missed her or because you

needed

something to hold you back? Something that would guard you from enjoying the intimacy

between you and Ava because you felt that enjoying S** with her would be a betrayal to

the

memories of Emma that you held on to for dear life?” 4

I sit on the stool completely dumbfound

I

thought about it like that. I admit I was

attracted to her; otherwise, how would I explain how the hell I was able to get it up and

going?

Maybe Gabe was right, and I used Emma as an escape from what I truly felt for Ava.

In my head, I had already betrayed the love of my life once; how then could I betray her

over and

over again by sleeping with and enjoying Ava’s body? It all made sense in my head then,

but now

I’m starting to realize that Emma was never the love of my fucking life.

“Fuck. I messed up big time,” I holler, feeling like a crashing weight was on my shoulders.

“Do you love Emma?” he asks and I shake my head in a no.

“Are you sure? Is all the love you had for her completely gone?”

*15 BONUS

i think about it for a minute before answering.

“Tes When she first came back, I thought that it would be our second chance at love. It

took a

while to realize that it felt all kinds of wrong. I didn’t even allow her to kiss me for fucks

sake

That should have been my first clue that I was done with her. That and the jealousy I felt

towards

Ethan”

I can’t begin to explain the rage I felt every time imagined Ava and Ethan together. It was

all

consuming and volatile.

I guess it took losing her to make you realize what you felt for her. It took seeing her

happy with

another man to bring forth the love you suppressed. You held on to Emma because of the

way

things ended abruptly between the two of you. None of you got any closure. That’s why

you held

on to each other’s memories for so long”

I get what he is saying, and fuck does it make sense, but it doesn’t help my case. So much

damage

has already been done. I said words I could never take back. Did things that will forever be

imprinted on her mind. I destroyed her with my own two hands.

“What are you going to do?” he asks me after a while.

“I don’t know. I was blinded by Emma before, but not anymore. Ava is fucking beautiful,

and she

can get any man she wants. There are already some who are sniffing around her, as Noah

clearly

likes informing me.

I feel so dejected. What is to stop her from falling in love with someone else?

She was not only beautiful but also intellige

and she loves fiercely. Any man would be luck,

aring, kind, and loving. She has a heart of gold,

have her.

I mean, fuck, she was able to change Ethan. I saw it in his eyes. He had fallen for her. Any

woman

who is capable of making a man change his ways is a fucking saint. I was a fucking idiot

for not

realizing the treasure I had.

Gabe claps me on the shoulder. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I’m positive of that”

I wish I was as confident in myself as he was in me, because deep down I know I don’t

deserve her,

and my biggest fear is losing her to someone who does deserve her love.