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96. I won’t stop trying
Rowan.
My feet hit the pavement as I run. I usually run in the morning, but today I decided
otherwise It was around seven in the evening, and I needed this run.
I speed up, feeling my muscles burn. I wanted to outrun my guilt. Wanted to outrun my
heartache.
I wanted to outrun my fucking foolishness.
The guilt of how much I had hurt Ava was eating me alive. Destroying me from the inside
out. I
haven’t been able to face her since I discovered my feelings for her.
I look at myself in the mirror, and all I see is a despicable human being. I am disgusted by
my
actions. Disgusted by all that I did to her.
I thought I was a good man. The kind that loves fiercely. I was always proud of myself for
holding on to my love for Emma. I thought it meant that my feelings for her were true.
What I didn’t
realize was that while doing that, I was hurting the woman I actually loved.
“Fuck!” I curse myself and the world.
How the hell did I get here?
I push myself harder as I run past the gas station a few miles from my house. I don’t have
time to slow down because once I do, my demons will be back to haunt me. To taunt me
with all my
mistakes.
Every time I close my eyes, I see her face from many months ago, before she asked for a
divorce. I
don’t even remember what I said to 1 it it hurt her pretty badly. I remember her eyes
shutting down in pain as she told me she hated me. I scoffed. Not knowing that I would
one day crave the
love she used to have for me.
I messed up big time. Now everything is fucked up and I don’t know how to fix it.
My phone rings, and I am pulled from my drowning thoughts.
“Hello,” I answer without checking the caller’s ID. My breaths coming in hard and fast.
“Dad, it’s me!” Noah shouts in excitement.
We’ve talked on the phone, but I haven’t been by to see him. Not when seeing him means
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“Hey, buddy. How are you?”
“I’m good rm super excited,” he all but shouts.
My curiosity gets the best of me, even though part of me thinks that I will regret asking
“Why? What’s got you in such a good mood?” I chuckle.
Talking to him brought a sense of peace. Right now, he was my lifeline because I felt like I
was drowning. Like I was dying from the inside.
“Well, you remember my best friend Gunner?” he asks
“Yeah”
“Well, a bunch of things happened, and I wanted to cheer him up, so I talked to mom and
she agreed. We’re going to an amusement park tomorrow. Mom, me, Gunner and his dad,”
he shouts the last part.
I feel jealousy take control. The thought of having another man near her was driving me
insane. I know I said she deserves better, but I honestly don’t think I can let her go.
“Is that right?” I ask, my voice taking a hard tone.
“Yeah” Noah replies. “Are you okay, dad? You don’t sound fine,” he says after realizing that
I wasn’t as excited for him as I should be..
T
I spin around and begin my walk back home. My insides burned from envy. What if she
chose this man? What if they were in a relationship? What if she fell in love with him? The
more I thought of
all the possibilities, the more I got pissed at myself for being such an idiot.
“Where is it?” I ask him crisply.
“Oh, in the next town,” he replies. “Are you okay, dad?”
“Yes. Absolutely,” I lie.
“Okay then,” his voice is incredulous. “I’ll talk to you later. Just wanted to let you know
that I won’t
be around tomorrow, in case you wanted to see me. Bye dad, goodnight.”
“Goodnight too, buddy,” I said, hanging up the phone.
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I continue my walk. I’d come out tonight in the hopes of calming my thoughts. It was
wasted because, on top of all the stress, I was now pissed as hell
I get to my home thirty minutes later. The cold air had done nothing to cool my frayed
nerves. I wanted to storm to Ava’s place and claim her. I wanted to tell her she can’t go
out with this Calvin guy I wanted to declare my love for her.
“Mr. Woods, there is someone here to see you,” my butler informs me the moment I step
into my house
“Who is it?” I ask.
Before he can answer, her voice interrupts us. I swear as I turn around to face her. Fuck! I
didn’t have the time or patience to deal with her.
“How can I help you, Emma?” I feel it as Rodgers, my butler, leaves.
I study her features. She was beautiful, yes, but her beauty had deemed in my eyes. I
tried
searching for the scorching feelings I used to have for her, but there was nothing. The
place that once housed them was completely empty. 1
“How are you, Ro?” she asks instead of answering my question.
I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t have time for her.
“Tell me why you’re here, Emma. I have a lot of things on my plate.”
She sighs. Her face losing its color. “I’m here because of us. I want us to talk about our
relationship.”
My face completely shouts down. I feel coldness radiating from me. She flinches, but I
don’t give a
shit.
“What relationship? There is no ‘us‘ Emma. Don’t you understand that?” I ask her in a hard
tone,
my hands fisted at my side.
Damn it. I wanted her to leave. Doesn’t she understand that being near her irritates me?
That
things have changed and it’s like I can’t stand being around her.
“That’s not true. I love you, and you love me. It’s always been that way. You can’t tell me
that
things have changed. Is it because of Ava?” Tears were swimming in her eyes.
I didn’t love her, but I cared for her. I didn’t want to hurt, but if it means that’s the only
way she’ll
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“Yes, but I also came to realize that I don’t love you I may have in the past, but not
anymore.
You’re wasting your time on me. You should be looking for someone who’ll give you the
love I
can’t”
The tears she was holding back begin to fall. Pain flashed in her features. I wanted to help
her, but
there was nothing I could do. I’ve hurt Ava long enough. I’ll be damned if I continue doing
it.
“You love her, don’t you?” she asks in a broken voice.
Her pain tugs at the parts of me that used to love her. I stamp them down. Not allowing
them to
win.
“Yes. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but yes I love her” I tell her as gently as I can.
“Now
that you know the truth, I’m also letting you know that I’m going to pursue her and I don’t
want
you standing in my way”
“She’ll never give you a chance. She’ll never forgive you.” Her voice is bitter and
wounded.
I run my hand through my hair in frustration. “That may be the case, but it still won’t stop
me
from trying to win back her love.”
“And I won’t stop trying to win back yours. I lost you once, Rowan, and I’m not going to
lose you
again. I won’t accept defeat that easily,” she says determinedly.
Before I can tell that she’s wasting her time, she flounces past me and leaves.
I head upstairs while pushing the encounter with Emma to the back of my mind. Nothing
she said
mattered. Ava is my main focus now.
It was time for me to win back my ex–wife.
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